goodluck to me

November 29, 2017 § Leave a comment

I found myself calling my grandmother’s number a few hours before my PhD thesis oral defense.  She was never good in empathizing, I wasn’t sure myself why I decided on doing so when I could have just called her after, at least what she had to say would have been outright obvious depending on the outcome.  I didn’t call anyone else, in fact.  She picked it up before I could act on the thought of canceling it, and so I told her it was my final exam in a few hours.  I felt her search for words and come up with only long pauses and awkward sentences which didn’t say much.  It was typical of her when she was at a lost of what to say.  I smiled to myself and helped her by saying “sana matapos na po (I hope it finally gets over)”, and she let out a candid laugh and said “oo nga, ang tagal na niyan! mag-aapat na taon na … (yes, it’s been so long! it’s been 4 years already …)”.  I was about to say it’s been more than 4 years, but she quickly continued with “…na wala na si Clara (…that Clara’s been gone)”.  I confirmed her observation, my grandmother’s always been particularly good with dates.  Four years that I’ve been functioning without my mom, I thought to myself.  Not bad.

I’m writing this right before my defense, with no idea how it will go, knowing that I can only do my best.  I called my grandmother because I somehow felt she was the closest thing to my mom.  That in getting her blessing and prayers, I would somehow get my mother’s.  But in fact, all my friends and family’s well wishes of luck felt overwhelmingly from her.  Or perhaps it was from the universe, reminding me that though I am a minuscule part of its humongous whole, I am taken into account.

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