and then, there was my thesis

August 23, 2017 § 3 Comments

Four copies of a 250 page writing exercise, soft-bound in a powder blue paperback was laid in front of me.  I relished the weight in my hands and flipped the newly printed pages just to see the colors change along with the rapid superimposition.  I had no desire of reading it again for awhile.  I don’t equate it to 4 years of my life because the sum of the past years is surely greater than an impending PhD degree.  But that was roughly what it was.  Up until the very last minute, I relied on blind hope.  Hope, that even I found logically hard to believe, I repeated and repeated just to placate the constant worry.  I worked as much as I can on my few highs, and allowed myself to rest on my many lows.  I turned off my email notifications and I went to the gym without a thing on my mind.  I was struggling but I wasn’t going to lose the right to live a little.  Maybe I was too hard on myself.  Or maybe I gave a PhD too much weight for what it really was.  But the most powerful thing I realized at the end of it all was that time and again, things end.  Suffering can feel endless, at least that was how it felt.  The number of times I told my friends that “I’m still studying”, “I’m still writing my thesis”, “I’ll see you soon after this”.  The repeated ambiguous answer of “I’m doing my best” whenever my supervisor asked me if I’ll finish it on time.  The endless prodding by my Dad when this PhD will end and me complaining over and over again for him to stop asking me about it.  “It’ll be done when it’s done”.  People telling me that I can do it, and me silently revolting that they had no idea how much I was struggling and failing.  I still have my oral defense left to officially end this chapter of my life, but I won’t deny that I looked forward to this freedom of being able to finally set aside the fear of not being able to make it.  I have to face a lot more important questions now, but I’m thankful for so many people.  Extremely thankful that listing it down here won’t even do justice for them.  I’ve been too happy after submitting my thesis that I wasn’t able to even write about it, but before I start the entry I’ll be writing next, I wanted to mark this little success.

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