July 5, 2017 § 2 Comments
I actually googled it. “what do you do when you feel like your thesis is bullshit?”. And the internet didn’t disappoint, so many other people out there apparently feel the same. Some days I feel like I got my shit well-pleated together – meaning I’m on the verge of breaking down and succumbing to utter depression, but somehow I’m magically dealing with it. On some days though, especially when something so important goes wrong, I do break down. And the worst part is, because I’ve been putting up such a good front, nobody understands the magnitude of how I feel that even when I try to ask for help from my dad, he downplays it or worse, brushes it off. It makes things worse, but somehow the anger and disappointment turns into a drive to carry on. Then I go back to that state of magically dealing with it and I regain my composure and care for other human beings. Because on really bad days, I give zero fucks. And I never knew I could do zero fucks, until my Ph.D.
I have a month to go before I hand in my thesis and I’m pointblank scared. I suppose in the 4 years that I’ve been trying to deal with this alone, publishing one honest post about it is understandable. And that to whoever reads this and knows me personally, you need not comfort me. Some days, a girl just has to vent. I hope that when I read this in a month, I would have finally handed it in.