March 26, 2017 § Leave a comment
I was looking for something today.
Last night I finished a late night 10km run and in spite of that I still went to the gym this morning. I thought it was the expended calories, but it struck me that beyond an expected higher than usual appetite, I was satiated and yet the feeling lingered. I tried to look for it at Netflix, thinking it was entertainment. I found myself crying in some random father-and-son scene but I somehow knew the tears were not falling for the movie. In fact I was just intermittently paying attention to it, shifting between reading random articles I plucked from the usual harvest grounds. I went to Swati’s room for awhile, perhaps I just needed some company. It was good, but we both knew we both had work to do. Aside from that, Sunday is the worse day to hang out because of the weighted feeling of Monday. We talked a bit, yet still the vacuum gnawed at me. I finally decided to take a walk, and ended up calling my dad midway. The conversation helped, it’s true home is one of the things I miss, and him. I missed my mom too. We talked for a good hour, and I decided to go back to the dorm instead of walking further as I had originally planned. I doubted I’d find it anyway even if I exceeded last night’s running distance. When I got off the lift to our floor, I walked towards the balcony. I swallowed my pride and admitted that I was feeling thoroughly lonely. I could not understand for who it was that my soul was yearning. I held back the tears as I made my way to my room. It’s probably just PhD. I am sure in a couple of months, the travails of doing a doctorate will be something I just look back to.
But the truth is, I’m not sure if this consuming sensation will ever leave me.