gratitude for a broken heart
August 17, 2016 § 2 Comments
Some 11 months ago, I dealt with a broken heart. And while I never found the courage to actually write about it until now, I struggled through so much emotions – blocking them mostly, if anything. So many times I attempted to write about what I felt in an effort to make sense of the turbulence but each time I had finished writing, I was afraid to expose the defeat I felt at that point. I was afraid to admit how I failed in my pursuit of making myself vulnerable. I was afraid to admit that I lost someone I loved and face the question if I’ll ever find someone again. As a person, I had never felt comfortable writing anything that I hadn’t resolved. Ending a narrative without a conclusion was unthinkable to me then.
In the beginning, I allowed myself to drown in the vortex of regret, disappointment, pain, and confusion that I felt. I broke down several times each day. Never in the company of anyone if I could help it, as I resolved to confine my misery within the walls of my room. I went home at odd times in the middle of the day and finished an excess of tissue boxes. Sometimes I had to make do with the walls of a cubicle in the school’s lavatory. It was ugly and not an inch beautiful unlike those portrayed in movies, but tears did not discern between situations. I went through my daily tasks in a lifeless body – how my brain managed to function, I have no recollection now. Within a month, I consciously decided to put an end to the daily misery. I forced myself out of that pit I wallowed in. I told my friends I was okay. I repressed memories with news articles and new hobbies. I intentionally rebuilt memories by creating new ones in the same places where the old ones occurred. Anything that preoccupied me was welcomed. I reprimanded myself every single time I felt any drop of remorse. I faked smiles and maybe bordered on being hysterical. And while I refuse to admit I felt bitter, in all honesty I probably was to some degree. In an effort to find strength, I lost a bit of my kindness. I had to protect the tender wound by covering it with a numb callus.
But faking it til I made it worked for the most part. Soon enough, I found myself thinking about him less and less. Eventually, that turned into feeling lonely less and less. I felt liberated in more ways than I expected. Enjoying my newly found solitude became my source of comfort. Though I wouldn’t go to the extent of saying if I had stayed in that relationship, my life this past year would have been far less colorful – I can say it was far better than I feared it could possibly turn out to be. I had nothing to lose and more reason to try new things. And I did go on to do new things. Despite the pervasive myth of women being biological time bombs, I did not succumb to the desperation. While I have to admit there is a certain despair to seeing my social media feed filled with news of engagements, marriages and children (basically, stable relationships) – I appreciated the fact that the magic of falling in love once again is something I can still potentially experience in the future. I was free to be my own self and I didn’t feel the need to glorify it. Neither being single or attached or happily married is better than the other. I took my situation as it was and held my ground as everyone else went ahead with their own.
Looking back, I would have never made it out as good as I did it without my family and friends. To Kat, thank you for forcing me to think about the good in that breakup. While I didn’t appreciate the nudge then, that assignment was always on my mind. And while I never told you, I lived working on it each day hence. Thank you for taking me to Langkawi. To Marge, thank you for consoling me over the phone. I appreciated it more than I could verbalize at that point in time. To JM, thank you for forcing me to go to Myanmar. To my brother, thank you for listening to me when I couldn’t tell our dad what I was going through. To my dad, thank you for listening to me cry over the phone, even if you had no idea what the real underlying reason was. To Ray and Renee, thank you for helping me see the humor in my situation, as always. To Swati, thank you for being patient enough to deal with my fleeting moods. Thank you for bearing with me as I worked on removing the indifference I felt for the world. And to so much other friends who had no idea how their random kindness soothed my callousness, thank you. Thank you Marvin for the memories and the lessons – the good and the bad. And most importantly, I thank God for continually staying by my side despite my unreasonable disregard. I am not worthy of anything, yet the life I’m blessed with is more than enough to dispel any doubts. I’m sorry it took me time to process things.
It was a beauty being underwater, but I’ve finally resurfaced. And god, is there even much more beauty above.