letter to heaven.4

November 2, 2014 § Leave a comment

My Dearest Mommy,

It’s All Souls Day. You’d usually stay at home at this time of the year.  We, on the other hand, truthfully would be excited to get reunited with our cousins as this was that time of the year again that we would all go around the cemeteries to visit the patch of earth where the last physical remainder of relatives – both met and unmet – reside.  It wasn’t really so much as to the visiting the dead, as it was because of being with the living.  You’d ask Ama if we were going to pass by Lola Nora, and if so, that we should not forget to take home some of her famous chicken sotanghon for you.  We’d take almost the whole day, and when we get home, you’ll never forget to ask first about the sotanghon.

This time around, this day has taken on a new meaning for us.  Today, it is a much more direct reminder of our own personal loss.  Today, as usual, we are not with you – but the difference is, we aren’t with you the entire day, and we won’t be with you later or tomorrow, or the day after next.  At least, physically.  There is no patch of earth I can visit to take comfort in today.  No slab of marble to stare at and cry to.  No cousins to be with and recite Hail Mary’s along with.  There are only my memories, definitely one of my most important possessions.  You live among them. And even my new ones are created with you in mind.

It’s going to be your birthday soon as well.  I guess it has no significance anymore.  The continuum of the life that it used to mark has ceased to be relevant.  You now exist in the timeless, vast, infinite matter that surrounds the remainder of life on earth.  It doesn’t matter when you came into existence, but just that you existed.

I’m sending you this song, along with my prayers.  I’ll see you in that celestial dome, someday.

I love you.

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