letter to heaven.3

February 7, 2014 § Leave a comment

Dear Inay,

it will be 40 days since, on Saturday.

It seems both so fast and so slow.  Fast because I can’t believe you’ve been gone for more than a month.  And slow because I have to wonder how long this life will drag on before I see you again.  I’ve lined all my work areas with pictures of you.  Your face greets me whenever I check my phone, and of course my desktop has been regularly featuring all your beautiful photos.  The truth is I’m scared I’ll forget you, although that’s remotely possible.  But I’m scared that one day I’ll forget how your voice sounds, or how your touch feels, or how you’ve always looked into my eyes to tell me everything will be okay without needing as much as a word.  I’m scared I wont hear you in my head anymore, and I’ll forget all the important things you told me before.  This is how powerful memories are, and we are truly nothing without them.  But I’m slowly finding the strength to move on one step at a time.  Whenever I’m scared, I try to imagine what you’d tell me if you were here.  I read a quote somewhere how our parents’ way of talking to us becomes our inner voice.  I couldn’t agree more.  I’m lucky my inner voice will always be strong. :)  Please don’t stop talking to me.  I know I won’t.

If there’s anything that has made itself clear as of late, it’s that life really goes on whether you’re running ahead or falling behind.  Especially when you’re falling behind.  People continue to be happy, death doesn’t stop from getting more people, problems force their presence on you, the bills continue piling and the deadlines keep coming up.  I’m trying to catch up as fast as I can, but sometimes I have to stop and catch my breath.  It’s during those times that I think of you and I cry.  And the funny thing is, those moments make me feel both close and far from you.  Everything feels so ambivalent.  It’s amazing how I can experience the full spectrum in so many situations.  Sometimes I feel like it’s driving me crazy, but at the same time it’s what keeps me moving.  My brain is both racing and halting.  And the only thing steady is how much I miss you.

But it’s okay, don’t let me worry you.  I just have to keep doing these letters, even if they seem like borderline crazy at times.  You’ll never get to read them anyway.  But it helps me.  It lets me be sad somewhere else because I have to be happy and positive everywhere else.  And I want to be happy and positive.  Just like how you’d want me to live my life. :) I love you Inay, I’ll write to you again soon.

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P.S. I told Tita Elena you’re probably there in Paris now.  :) I’ll go there one day like how you’ve always been forcing me to, I swear.  I’ll meet you under the Arc de Triomphe. :)

The Temper Trap – Everybody Leaves In the End

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