May 5, 2013 § Leave a comment
Time is fleeting.
I want it to be a month since, just so I can say it’s been a month and I’m managing. I want it to be a year since, just so I can say it’s been a year and I’ve moved on. I want it to be a decade since, just so I can say it’s been a decade and I have a life. But something inside me tells me that’s not what I really want right now. Some days I want to see you. Some days I want to talk to you and ask you so many whys. Why you did that. Why you didn’t do anything. Why you cared. And now why you don’t seem to. Some days I can forget about you. Most days I miss you. Some days I’m happy with how things are going. Some days I’m sad. Some days I’m okay. Most days I’m not. I don’t want to talk about this, but somehow writing it somewhere I know will be read by at least one person (regardless if I know them or not) gives me comfort that someone knows the anguish. That I am in pain and that I need the space. I don’t need anyone to ask me about it, I just need someone to know. Or maybe I do need to talk about it, or laugh about it. Or do anything aside from keeping it to myself because it’s killing me to pieces. My close friends, who I talked to about it, have been nothing but great support. They tell me both things I want to hear and things I need to hear. But they know nothing they do or say can really make me feel any better. To feel better is a difficult choice I have to make every single moment. As Voltaire said, “The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood”. When it’s so much easier to choose to reminisce, I have to choose to ignore and forget. When it’s so much easier to cry, I have to choose to hold back the tears and be brave. When it’s so much easier to regret, I have to choose to accept and let it go. When it’s so much easier to just feel the pain, I have to choose to make something out of it. I’ve started a couple of things to fill up the now unallocated time, things will pick up eventually I know. But the pain is here and it is something I have to accept as well. I knew it came along when I signed up for this, I just thought wrong that I could make it go away so easily.