April 20, 2013 § Leave a comment

The first cup of coffee I buy after 3 years is off a hospital vending machine.  I waited for the crowd in line to dissipate before I discreetly took my turn.  Without anyone around me, I approached the glowing block of a machine and stared; unsure of both what coffee to drink and how to operate it.  Half a minute passed before I chose a cappuccino over a mocha.  Another quarter of a minute passed before I figured out where to get the coffee.  It was a good thing nobody else in proximity needed a caffeine fix during that duration, or I would have subjected myself to another round of humiliation.  The feeling of the necessity of coffee is like a visit from a long, lost acquaintance: unexpected but familiar.  I don’t drink coffee, but yesterday I knew I needed one.  I came from a sleepless night as several things happened last Thursday.  The first one was the stupidest, bravest thing that I have ever done – and will NEVER EVER do again.  The second one was that I had to bring my mom to the hospital.  Fortunately, my cousin Kenneth was somewhere near and he was able to accompany me, and hence my mom, as I dealt with all the necessary red tape to get my mom admitted.  She was in danger of dehydration because she hadn’t been eating or drinking well lately due to a population of sores in her mouth, an effect of her new cancer drug: Everolimus.  Then she suddenly had a bout of diarrhea that day that made me go home early.  With Ama somewhere at the northern tip of the Philippines for a medical mission, I decided to bring her to the hospital for an IV drip.

The emergency yesterday made me realize several things.  One was that a person like me cannot afford to get sick.  This thought dawned upon me as I withdrew almost my entire monthly salary just to make a downpayment for admission.  But at least I finally got to spend something big for my parents.  A more than acceptable reason to be broke.  The second one was that it was a good thing my mom panics so easily.  She sent me a text message which sounded like she was going for the worst when in fact she was still okay.   But that was good because if she had waited until it was really necessary to go to the hospital, it might be too late.  Another one was that the timing of this event was quite right as it pushed me to step up as the eldest and turn my thoughts off feelings of regret.  I actually don’t regret what I did (yes this is probably some mantra that has to be repeated several more times in order to be fully true), but there are still times where I cringe at the memory of it all.  There are still moments when I truly want the Earth to swallow me whole.  But I take comfort in the fact that these feelings will eventually die a natural death.  I have no idea when, god forbid not soon enough.  Please, please, feelings, die. :(  Anyway, I’m saying this now because I’m writing but thinking less of it has been easier with all the things I had to and have to attend to lately and soon.  Right now I’m thankful that we’re finally home and my mom has started to eat more thanks to her pain medication.  However, she has ruled out any inclinations of taking Everolimus ever again as this is probably one of the worse side effects she has ever experienced in all the cancer drugs that she has taken.  It’s quite ironic because this is actually one of the latest drugs for her condition.  Deciding on what to take next is an entirely new and complicated matter to deal with. :( *sigh* But I know with all the good people who offer my mom support and prayers, things will be okay. :)


I still feel stupid. >.<



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