December 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

Now that I’m waiting for the results of my school applications, my parents are as agitated as me.  But unlike me who’d actually prefer not to talk about it too much, my mom has been nagging me to contact all the friends of her friends/relatives who are connected to any grad school in the USA.  This morning during breakfast, my mom wouldn’t let go of her current prospect, who I will henceforth name Dr. J.  She had been telling me repeatedly to contact Dr. J, who apparently has strong connections, albeit in different universities.  He was the dean of the college of engineering in several schools (and he’s basically an UNBELIEVABLY TALENTED and INTELLIGENT guy).  In response to nagging sprees like this, I would usually get annoyed and ask her to just let me do things my way.  Instead, I was just listening to her and nodding, while pondering for awhile how I could possibly set an appointment with Dr. J.  Finally, my mom asked me “I just want you to increase all your chances to get in. Don’t you think he can help you get into Case?”.  I thought for several seconds, and finally all the emotional stress I had been suppressing while answering all those expensive online applications gave away.  I looked at my mom teary-eyed and told her bluntly “but I don’t want to pass in Ohio”.  And the funny thing was neither me nor my mother was surprised with my answer.  I wasn’t able to hold back crying any longer and I told her how it was so far and I’d wish I’d get into NUS instead.  I don’t even know if this multi-thousand investment on numerous applications will yield good results but I was homesick as a kid from a close-knitted family in Africa would be alone in Greenland.  My mother ended up crying too, because we’re cry babies like that.  I guess it’s but natural to feel this way.  I’ve been a home-school-home girl for so long.  My parents never allowed me to go to late-night outs during my younger years in college, and now that I’m almost in my mid-twenties, I conveniently use that excuse if I don’t feel like going to bars or whatever with other people.  I’m just tamad that way.  Or maybe more like, sometimes I really prefer to go home and be with my family instead of drinking and wasting the night away.  But all this crying doesn’t mean I’m giving up on my applications.  I still want to get in, and I’m holding on to the belief that “without fear, there is no courage”, and that it’s okay to be afraid.  And the main reason why I’m scared is because I’ll be apart from so many people that I love, or even from all the people that I love.  Parting is so painful.  I probably can’t live through a divorce.  haha. But I actually feel better now that I’ve told that to my mom.  I shouldn’t even be talking about this yet, because I hate talking about things that have no resolutions yet (i.e. results). But I’ll go ahead and say this all because it’s tiring to act strong all the time.  This is parallel in so many ways as to acting detached/unaffected/not clingy when you’re in love. Oh this deserves a plug of 98 Degrees’ “It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do to turn around and walk away pretending I don’t love you…”. HAHAHA. Okay, I’m actually not laughing. hay, but I feel tons better after crying all of that out. :)


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