September 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Photosynthetic activities have long been shut down. The recent shower has left miniature rivers and ponds that squeezed themselves into the crevices of the concrete, following paths that continuously merged and diverged. Traffic is not dense and people are scarce. This is the only time of the day that I feel I can be alone with myself. I try to quicken my pace, but I feel my gastrocnemius stiffen from the fatigue. The beads of sweat from my head form a trickle and pour down rudely on my face. My thoughts are in a constant frenzy, shifting back and forth to the things on my list that are never done and to my pathetic self-encouragement to press on until the end of the block. I look up into the night sky in the hope of finding guidance, but not a single stellar sign is visible. If I were lost in the sea at that moment, I would never be able to find my way. Not that I wasn’t in a figurative sea, I am in fact currently in a vast ocean. An ocean of chances and opportunities, choices and obligations, luck and fortune, frustrations and worries. I’ve been trying to listen to that inner voice. The one that’s supposed to tell me what I want to do with my life. But I fear that what I hear instead are the outer voices. Whether a destructive or constructive interference is the reason for the lack of an inner voice, I have yet to find out. How am I supposed to drown out the noise anyway? The homily today talked about having the courage to “set out to deep waters”. I thought to myself, “maybe I am not setting out to deep waters, maybe I do keep running to search for hollow meaning”. A car sped fast, breaking in to about just a foot from me. I come back to the reality of the green light slicing into the absence of light. Truly, freedom will only come after I make a choice. Please let me hear that inner voice.